Practice What You Preach

A personal entry from your fellow athlete and human

I completed my first marathon in February and have since been on an injury recovery journey. I have made TONS of progress, and I am really proud of what I have accomplished over the last few months. However, the past few days were notably difficult.

On Saturday, I woke up to do one of my more challenging runs related to my recovery plan, and I was NOT feeling it.  

(Side note: I also recently took in 2 foster puppies, which is fun, and very tiring).

However, I focused on the task at hand and used my skills to promote a positive mindset. I did my warmup exercises, put on my shoes, grabbed my hydration, and headed outside. I immediately did not feel strong in my body, and it only got worse from there. I felt tired and depleted, and ultimately decided to cut my run short and head home.  

I began to struggle emotionally and mentally. I had thoughts of judgement, criticism, and was flooded with inaccurate beliefs about my running future. So, once I got home, I laid down, put one hand on my stomach and the other on my heart, took some deep breaths, and repeated to myself “progress is not linear.”  (It’s all fun and games talking about how “progress is not linear” until the progress actually becomes nonlinear).

I did what I could to self-soothe and add more truthful thoughts to my unhelpful narrative, but even with the skills, I didn’t necessarily feel better. I just noticed the intensity of the emotion come down enough to switch gears and refocus on something else. Given my experience that morning, I decided to rest the remainder of the weekend and try again on Monday.

So here we are… Monday! …

The puppies woke me up an hour before my alarm. After taking care of them, I debated on whether I should try my run again or not.

“Should I go or take another rest day?” “What if I do a treadmill run at the gym instead so the heat doesn’t piss me off?” “Ugh I feel too tired to do anything.” “But I have goals, I need to be tough and get this done.” The swirly back and forth of this vs. that went on for a good 30 minutes until I finally decided to run.

I completed my warmup, put on my shoes, grabbed my hydration, and headed outside. Just like I do every time.

Like Saturday, I started my run and immediately felt awful. It felt like gravity was working overtime, my injuries were flaring up, and I felt like I just couldn’t do it.

Tears.

I imagine that someone out there has some cute ring camera footage of me crying outside of their house lol. I took a couple minutes just to stand there and cry, then I debated… suffer and push through, or go home?

There are many times when I think it is ok and even beneficial to embrace the suck, suffer through the pain, and make it happen. Usually, those times are when I have good support system to suffer with and when there is a mental and emotional spirit to rally your body forward. I did not possess either of those today. I felt like my physical, emotional, and mental energy tanks were near empty. Thus, I went home.

This time on my journey home, I was not consumed with thoughts of judgement, criticism, and inaccurate beliefs. I thought to myself, “I am proud of myself that I even tried. After Saturday’s failure, it was brave of me to give it another go.” I also had awareness beyond the immediate moment. It’s just running. I am a recreational athlete. If it’s not fun, then it’s time to reflect and re-evaluate. Additionally, I validated my emotions. I’ve invested a lot of time and money into running and my running health, so it makes sense that I would get upset about back-to-back incomplete runs. And still, it’s all O.K. My worth and my values go beyond running.

So, I share this story with you for many reasons.

First and foremost, I like to pull back the curtain to be real and show you that even your psychologist has to (imperfectly) practice the skills and doesn’t always “have it together.” I am human and I experience suffering too.

Second, I wanted to share that self-compassion is never the wrong move. It can feel weird sometimes and it’s so important to hold yourself through tough moments. I feel cared for when I put my hand over my heart and say kind things to myself (even if I don’t fully believe it in the moment).

Third, is that our progress (e.g., physical, mental, relational) is not linear, and I truly empathize with you when the nonlinear parts arise. Everything is contextual and relative, so try to accept the present moment for what it is and zoom out to see the bigger picture.

I plan to run later this week and to run next week, the week following, and plan to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. I anticipate that if you were to ask me in 2 weeks how my runs are going, I will have a different experience to share with you. Therefore, it is important to flexibly keep moving forward, acknowledge the temporary nature of our experiences, and to be open to what’s is yet to come.

To all those currently in a rut, hang in there. I am with you.